Unveiling Radiance

Unveiling Radiance - Part 2, Heaven Presses In

2011-10-22T13:56:00.001-04:00

Today I stumbled on Sand in the Gears, the blog of Tony Woodlief, a writer. He lost his little daughter a few years ago and shares some of the story in his posts. It makes me cry.

He said this:
"Heaven is here...when we are taught how the gates of hell cannot prevail against it, this is not because hell presses against heaven, but because heaven pressed into hell.

Heaven presses into hell, and this is why you get up and breathe again when you’d rather not, because even when you are in hell, grace comes to you. Especially in hell."

We try to protect ourselves from suffering, from pain. Somewhere in the back of my mind was this belief that if I did what God wanted, if I followed the rules and was good and nice, then suffering would pass me by like the Angel of Death in Egypt. I would be spared.

But I was not spared and life became hell. Day after day, a living hell. Nothing got better, it only got worse.

I went for walks in the evening after dinner, needing to get out, get away and breathe. I walked and poured out my heart to the God who walked with me. An old hymn from childhood came to mind and I would sing "Be Thou My Vision" to Him, half-praying, half-crying. I was desperate to see Him, to see this awfulness through His eyes. And He answered, showing me little glimpses of His heart, giving me hope.

The desert sun would be setting while we walked, the sky ablaze with beauty and color. I stared at the dazzling sun, my soul drinking in the glory of Heaven pressing in.

When I walked in the door, returning to the darkness and my private hell, my heart would be quietly lit up with the glory and His peace. I had what I needed for one more day.

Unveiling Radiance - Part 1

2011-10-06T20:32:00.002-04:00

Nearly 5 years ago, the life I knew began to disintegrate and crumble around me. The marriage I thought was good (although I secretly longed for more) began to shake and tremble, large fissures appearing. I desperately hung on to what was familiar, trying to hold our family together. But overnight, the landscape changed and I found myself listening to an angry man tell me all the things he disliked about me, that our marriage had been a mistake from the beginning and that he had found someone he truly loved and wanted to be with.

There are some days you wonder how you lived through. That was one of them.

Something precious inside of me died that day. Anyone who has experienced the destruction of their marriage knows what I’m talking about.

For the sake of our children, I stayed with him, much longer than I should have. But from that day on, he no longer was my husband. It felt as if aliens had abducted the man I loved and an enemy was living in his body. I swallowed all his statements about my failures as a wife and internalized them as truth. It took several years to heal all the damage in my heart and to see what was really truth and what was a lie.

But in those desperate, lonely days of heartbreak, I ran to God and clung to Him. I cried in the shower so my children wouldn’t see. I begged Him to love me and love me hard because my heart was overwhelmed by the intensity of rejection and the shame of betrayal. And He did.

When I lay awake in that huge, empty bed, my body aching with pain, I asked Him to carry the hurt and heaviness in my body, and He did. Every time I asked, the cold hardness in my stomach would ease, warmth would flow over me and I could finally relax and sleep. In the morning, I would wake up empty and longing for love and I would beg Him to hold me. Immediately, I felt loved and comforted. That was when the words, “Surely he bore our sorrows and carried our grief” became real to me.

In the beginning, I told no one. I was too ashamed to speak. But as the affair went on and nothing improved, I started to open up. My close friends surrounded me with words of truth, wisdom and life.

It would take months and months to heal from the devastation. But every single day, the Lord was lavish with His kindness and tenderness to me, winning my heart with His deep and faithful love. In the early days, He gave me these verses from Isaiah, ones I had never read until this time.

“For your Maker is your husband – the LORD Almighty is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit – a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says your God.

Isaiah 54:5,6

This is my story – a story of beauty from ashes, treasures mined in the dark places, God redeeming and restoring His beloved one.

Being Quiet

2011-08-01T10:13:00.000-04:00

Not much to say these days. Lots of activity in the externals. But every now and then I take some time to sit and read and ponder. In these quiet moments, God is slowly shifting the way I see life, see Him, see myself. The hidden roots of my soul growing deeper into the soil seeking out Life-giving water.

Thanking Him for these gifts. . .

336. Soul-reviving solitude

337. Rose bushes blooming in abundance

338. Thunderstorms

339. The "E.M. Bounds' Complete Works on Prayer" find at a used book store

340. Fresh paint

341. Phone calls to my kids in Arizona

342. New pair of sunglasses

343. Words of encouragement from an unexpected source.

344. Beach time

345. Visit from a dear friend I haven't seen for years.

Peace,

Still

2011-07-29T15:24:00.000-04:00

Still

Not what my life has been like this past month.

The days have been full of activity, details, hurry, decisions, stress.

Packing, sorting, tossing out stuff and all that goes with moving to a new place.

I'm tired.

My body is tired.

My soul is tired.

Last night I finally stopped the anxious hurry in my head and poured it all out before God.

He listened and then asked me to give up control of all these things that I've been carrying.

Letting go of the burden, the weight of responsibility.

Leaving it in His very capable and much stronger hands.

Why is it that I have to get to the point of complete exhaustion before I catch on that I've been carrying the whole load and not letting Him have any of it??

Who knows?

But I was done.

So I let go. "It's all yours, Lord."

And then....the peace came in. That stillness in my spirit, knowing that He is God and He is handling it.

"I have stilled and quieted my soul. Like a weaned child with its mother." Psalm 131:2

The anxious, hungry striving replaced with peace.

Just being still...with Him.

www.thegypsymama.com

If I knew I could, I would...

2011-04-29T10:11:00.000-04:00

I'm getting addicted to thegypsymama's 5 Minute Fridays. There's something freeing about writing on a topic for 5 minutes without holding back or editing. Come join in the fun.

If I knew I could, I would:

Set free all those exploited children trapped in the sex trade and carry them to Jesus and see Him heal their wounded souls, hearts and bodies and restore their lost identity.

Adopt a bunch of orphans from around the world, bring them home, hug them and love on them day after day till I saw their eyes light up with joy and the security of knowing they finally have a mama and a home.

Tell everyone I know how amazing they are and all the ways they reveal the fingerprint of God.

Watch the final launch of the Endeavor from the space center. I'll have to content myself with seeing it from my front yard. (Still spectacular, just not as close.)

STOP

Okay, now it's your turn. Go for it! :-)

Alive

2011-04-25T21:55:00.000-04:00

Easter Sunday was more meaningful for me this year because my 88 year old grandmother was preparing to cross over to Heaven. She'd been in ICU battling pneumonia with complications for nearly a week. Most of the family was there, saying their goodbyes. I spoke mine over the phone from 5 states away.

Early in the morning, my kids and I headed to the beach for our Easter tradition of watching the sun rise, eating Dunkin Donuts, and reading the Resurrection story. I sat on the mat while my kids played in the waves, remembering her life and legacy, and thinking how comforting it is to know that she is going to live with Jesus, the One who made all this possible.

There is sadness mixed with hope.

"I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies." John 11:25

When I am weak...

2011-04-18T08:07:00.000-04:00

It was a hard night. Wide awake, I wrestled through my deepest fears and doubts.

I never chose to raise my kids alone, without a man's help. It's too big of a job for any one person. There is so much I don't know about raising my kids well, and even the things I do know, I don't always know how to do them. I see so many areas that are lacking and need attention. Most days I am so preoccupied with trying to survive that I fear some key things are falling through the cracks.

Four years ago, a few days after I learned about my husband's affair, his parents took our family to Sedona for the day. They were unaware of what was going on between us or how my heart was dying inside. We spent the day hiking and enjoying the beauty of Oak Creek Canyon. At the end of the day, as I stood on the hill looking out over those huge red rock formations, God whispered His truth to me."My plans for your life are stronger than those rocks. They cannot be moved or shaken."

I clung to that promise through many dark days.

"Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God." Isaiah 50:10

As last night became today, He reminded me that He is a Father to my children. I don't do this alone. Just as He's been with me and helped me, He will be with them. He wants me to simply trust Him. Peace and sleep came with surrender.

This morning at my daughter's bus stop, we sat in silence -- too tired to speak. I remembered my wrestling in the night. While we waited, God reminded me that it's okay to be weak.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

Counting these gifts of weakness. . .

326. Tears in the night

327. Not knowing

328. Death of my dreams

329. Heartache

330. Loneliness

331. No one to talk to

332. Sadness

333. Feeling inadequate

334. Weariness

335. Empty

"For when I am weak, then I am strong."

2 Cor 12:10

In His strength,

On Distance

2011-04-15T11:30:00.000-04:00

It's time for 5 Minute Friday with thegypsymama. This week's theme: On Distance.

(I confess it's a little unnerving to write for 5 minutes straight about whatever comes into my brain -- just shooting straight from the hip. But hey, it's Friday. Time to let loose and live a little.)

Go

I've lived with distance my whole life.

Saying goodbye to my parents and little sisters at the age of 8, going to boarding school for missionaries' kids, 2 hours flight away from home.
Saying goodbye to my friends and classmates, flying out to the remote jungle village to spend Christmas and summer breaks with my family.

I spent my most of my childhood at a distance from those I loved.

Physical distance can be hard. Emotional distance is a killer!

Distance that silently grew between my ex-husband's heart and mine until we became an ocean away from each other. I fought with all my strength to keep us close but it didn't change anything.
Now we are as distant as two people could ever be. But I'm finally at peace with that.

The sad part is this means my children live over 1000 miles away from their father. Still more distance than anybody would want.

I'm tired of living at a distance from people. Sometimes it feels safer to keep everyone at arms' length, not letting anyone really in to see me, to see my heart. But living fully alive means taking steps to bridge the distance, even if it's scary and risky and makes me feel extremely vulnerable.

God refuses to let distance grow between us, and I'm glad. He pulls me in close to His heart in the deepest kind of intimacy. And He's safe, so it's okay.

Peaceful

2011-04-11T20:35:00.000-04:00

"You will keep him in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."

Psalm 26:3

Thankful for these treasures. . .

316. Getting in and out of a clothing store in under 20 minutes with 5 amazing bargains. (grin!)

317. Adorable baby making eyes at me over Sunday lunch -- nothing beats a baby smiling at you.

318. Delightful weekend with friends

319. Kettle roasted jalapeno potato chips (addicting!)

320. Hearing my son's favorite new song -- and liking it too.

321. Planting flowers

322. Watching my kids play in the waves

323. Lying on the beach, being still, listening to waves, laughter and sea gulls

324. Catching sight of a huge owl in my tree, then watching him fly gracefully into the night sky.

325. Enjoying lunch at a bistro with 2 great friends and a rooster -- he even crowed for us! (No, I wasn't eating any chicken but my friends were -- the nerve of them!)

Peace,

Adventurous

2011-04-04T17:41:00.001-04:00

I love hiking through a forest (especially in the mountains.) You never know what adventures and beauty may await around the next curve in the trail.

If only I could bring that sense of adventure into my normal life. Most days I'd like for life to stretch out like a hike through the desert or savannah - where you can see for miles ahead with few surprises. But I suspect God knows that despite my tendency to play it safe, there is a little adventurer inside me that wants to come out. She's the one who loves surprises and refused to sneak under the Christmas tree and shake the presents.

There are some bends approaching up the road. I'm excited and scared at the same time. God keeps reminding me that He only asks me to trust Him and live today. And when those bends come, He'll be with me in the next adventure.

Grateful for these gifts . . .

306. Brazilian buffet and guarana
307. Beginning a favorite Mary Stewart mystery
308. Catching up with good friends I haven't seen in 7 years
309. A lovely new quilt for my girl's bed
310. Purple and white alstroemerias & tulips
311. Getting my laptop back after a 2 day absence (smile)
312. Nutella on a spoon
313. A quiet morning spent contemplating
314. The opportunity to go on a missions trip to Nicaragua (YES!)
315. Kind words from a coworker

Enjoying the adventure,

Five Minute Friday - Favorite Things

2011-04-01T12:36:00.000-04:00

I'm linking up with thegypsymama for her 5 Minute Fridays - where you write for 5 minutes without overthinking or editing -- just for fun and creativity. This week's topic is Favorite Things.

Here are few of mine. . .

The smell of earth after a heavy rain.

Quiet hush of foggy mornings.

Sharing laughter with kindred spirits.

Friendly customer service.

Driving with the windows down on a sunny spring day.

Trying out a new recipe and discovering we all love it!

Sitting in my green recliner early in the morning with a cup of hot something, listening to my Daddy tell me sweet things, leaning my heart on His and just breathing.

Lying on my beach mat, hearing my kids laughing in the waves, looking up into that blue, blue sky and letting my worries and fears drift out with the tide.

I could write more, but my timer went off. Dang!

Okay, now I want to go to the beach. Maybe tomorrow. :)

It's your turn. Come join in the fun!

TheGypsyMama.com

Shine

2011-03-29T09:52:00.000-04:00

I heard this classic Phillips, Craig & Dean song on Pandora today. Some things are timeless -- this is one of them.

This Moment

2011-03-28T11:36:00.000-04:00

"Because You are my help, I sing in the shadow of Your wings. My soul clings to You; Your right hand holds me up."
Psalm 63:7,8

Reading Ann's book has made me more aware of the moment. I find myself stopping and just enjoying simple things, holding close that one moment and treasuring it as a gift.

Praising Him for these gifts. . .

296. Girl time with my sister
297. Watching hilarious youtube videos with friends and laughing till we nearly cry
298. Early morning walk seeing the sunrise
299. Cardinal singing his lungs out at the top of a lamppost in the post office parking lot
300. Lovely, fragrant gardenias (did I mention they're my favorite?)
301. Seeing my son's heart touched by another boy's story of meeting Jesus
302. Rides when my car is in the shop
303. Hearing my kids tell me, "Mom, you're so cool!" =)
(They also tell me I'm weird, but I just agree. Weird is fun!)
304. A rainy day
305. Mug of steamy spiced chai

Being the Beloved

2011-03-24T18:47:00.000-04:00

"I forgot who I was, and found me in God, who seems to be quite literally giving me my desires back – maybe not to fulfill them, but to let me know I am still capable of desiring, instead of living in the cautious netherworld I chose to be safe." - Kelly@{A Restless Heart}

"I kept running around in large or small circles, always looking for someone or something able to convince me of my Belovedness.
Self-rejection is the greatest enemy of the spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the "Beloved". Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence."- Henri Nouwen

"As the Father has loved me, so I have loved you. Now remain in my love"

- Jesus, John 15: 9

I'm not sure how this all fits together. Just some words I've been pondering lately and asking God about.

I'm beginning to see that living fully alive means not putting up barriers between me and God. It's risky to stand in open-hearted vulnerability and receive His love. To let Him show me my "Beloved-ness".

I think it's easier to go seeking love and acceptance somewhere else, because then I can feel like I've earned it. Or at least control it in some way.

But not with God. There is no taming His wild heart. And I'm glad -- even if it scares me too.

What would it look like to own my heart's desires, to trust Him, to receive His affection and live in the reality that I am His Beloved?

Counting...

2011-03-21T20:47:00.000-04:00

Reading Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts."

I love it!!!

I joined her Gratitude Community in June, 2009, and began counting gifts every week.

This counting changes me. Changes my attitude, changes my focus, changes my heart.

#286 Birds soaring in the blue

#287 Looking up into radiance

#288 I never tire of seeing this

#289 Brother and sister, best friends

#290 Making music

#291 Tiny flowers in the yard

#292 Plenty of paper and ink

#293 My small group - such wonderful friends. Love them!!

#294 Knowing the Father is always holding my hand.

#295 Chocolate in all its luscious forms. :)

"The LORD has done great things for us and we are filled with joy."

Psalm 126:3

All I Need

2011-03-16T23:00:00.000-04:00

Left my fear by the side of the road
Hear You speak
You won't let go
Fall to my knees as I lift my hands to pray

Got every reason to be here again
Father's heart that draws me in
And all my eyes wanna see is a glimpse of You

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

One more day and it's not the same
Your Spirit calls my heart to sing
Drawn to the voice of my Savior once again
Where would my soul be without Your Son
Gave His life to save the earth
Rest in the thought that You're watching over me

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

Oh what I need is You
All I need is You

You hold the universe
You hold everyone on earth
You hold the universe
You hold
You hold

All I need is You
All I need is You, Lord
Is You, Lord

Though the earth...

2011-03-14T16:27:00.000-04:00

"God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth gives way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging."
Psalm 46:1-3

The images from Japan are mind-numbing. It's overwhelming to see the complete devastation of cities, homes and lives. I can't get out of my head the idea that just a few short days ago, people were going about their daily business unaware that deep underground, the earth was beginning to tremble and give way, that seas would rush in and destroy everything familiar, everything they held dear.

We think we have so much control -- we have none. We are such helpless, fragile creatures held together by the One who made us and keep us breathing. It is sobering to remember that life could change in an instant.

Today, I hold my loved ones close a little longer, breathe in the fresh spring breeze and thank God for His precious gifts...

276. White daisies and fiery orange alstroemerias on my kitchen table
277. The sound of my kids' laughter, enjoying their spring break
278. A lovely Sunday afternoon spent canoeing with friends
279. Zapata's Fire Roasted Salsa Verde with corn chips (can't get enough of it!)
280. A soft bed to sleep in at the end of a long day.
281. The satisfaction of a job well done
282. Watching my kids make new friends
283. Pandora.com
284. Knowing I have been given all I need for today
285. Hope that does not disappoint

My heart is heavy for the people of Japan. God has His way of bringing incredible beauty and glory out of utter devastation. I pray He will do this for them.

Presence

2011-03-09T10:42:00.001-05:00

I'm reading a book called "Practicing His Presence" which is a compilation of excerpts from the letters of Frank Laubach and Brother Lawrence. I'm reading Frank's letters now.

Frank Laubach and his wife were missionaries to the Moro tribe in the Philippines during the 1920's-30's. They lost 3 of their 4 children to sickness -- malaria, I think. At some point after this, Mrs. Laubach left with their remaining child, but Frank stayed to continue learning the tribal language. (If I was Mrs. Laubach, I think I would have left after losing the first child. But I digress....) These letters to his father were written during that season of his life while he was all alone.

He writes, "I have been so desperately lonesome that it was unbearable save by talking with God. And so every waking moment of the week I have been looking toward Him, with perhaps the exception of an hour or two."

Out of his loneliness, Frank began an experiment of attempting to stay in contact with God all day long. In the midst of his busy days, learning the language, helping the Moro people, facing the challenges all missionaries encounter, Frank continued turning to God in his spirit and yielding his will to the Lord as often as he could throughout the day.

"I find several things happening to me as a result of these two months of strenuous effort to keep the Lord in mind every minute. This concentration upon God is strenuous, but everything else ceases to be so."

"For a lonesome man there is something infinitely homey and comforting in feeling God so close, so everywhere! It is difficult to convey to another the joy of having broken into the new sea of realizing God's "hereness." It seems so wonderfully true that just the privilege of fellowship with God is infinitely more than anything God could give. When He gives Himself, He is giving more than anything else in the universe."

Reading Frank's experiences and discoveries as he makes this attempt to think of God all day long (although he readily admits his failures in the process), I find myself inspired to do the same. Even if I never get to the point of thinking about the Lord, talking to Him and surrendering to Him every hour, it still is worth the effort.

I started this new journey earlier this week. So far what I've discovered is that as much as I want to focus on God as often as I can through the day, HE is even more eager for me to think about HIM. And so He has been interrupting my focus on other objects by doing things designed to draw my gaze to His. I've realized that this is not a mere spiritual discipline -- this is more like a romance.

Little Things

2011-03-07T11:10:00.000-05:00

I remember hearing Jesus called the Lily of the Valley when I was a child. I always pictured that flower as a large white lily, like an Easter lily. It was a surprise to me to discover these flowers are such tiny, delicate beauties. Even more surprising was how fragrant they are being so small and unassuming.

I love how God comes alongside us in so many small, ordinary ways, bringing His gifts of love, winning our trust and affection by caring about those little details of our lives.

Thanking Him for these small and treasured gifts:

266. Watching a movie with my kids.
267. Joey Jr. burritos at Moe's
268. Fragrance of spring blossoms on the evening breeze.
269. Little books packed with deep truth.
270. A quiet, restful weekend spent doing very little.
271. Cup of coffee on the front patio, listening to the birds, feeling the morning sunshine.
272. A clean kitchen floor
273. Listening to my girl singing worship songs
274. Considerate words from a friend.
275. A package in the mail.

"One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD,
and to seek Him in His temple."
Psalm 27:4

Sweet Doggy

2011-02-28T12:56:00.000-05:00

About a year ago, this golden retriever adopted my kids and me. He belongs to a good friend so we saw him often.

Budi was already an old dog when we met -- 12 years. My kids fell in love with him right away. But I decided I was NOT going to get attached to a dog who was living on borrowed time. Somehow despite my attempts to keep him at arms-length, Budi sneaked into my heart and carved out his own place when I wasn't looking. He had a way of plopping his head in my lap and bumping my arm, looking for affection. It was like he just assumed I was going to love him, totally disarming me. It's hard to resist someone who is always happy to see you.

Last August, we found out Budi has lymphoma. He was not expected to live long. We started praying for him and he made it through Christmas and his own birthday last week. But he's been suffering lately and today he goes to the vet to be put to sleep. It's been hard for us to say goodbye.

Looking back I see the generosity of God in giving my kids and me a dog to love, even though he wasn't ours. He came into my life at a crucial time when my heart was in danger of closing down. I am so thankful for this sweet dog and his affectionate ways. We will miss him very much.

Goodbye, Budi-ro.

Fragments

2011-02-24T20:13:00.000-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while. Lots of things going on deep under the surface. I'm not making sense of it all yet, or seeing the patterns. (And for me, with my penchant for noticing patterns and making connections, this is a little frustrating.)

But getting some of it out of my head and on to paper (or online) may be a little therapeutic. So consider this a window into the jumble in my head.

1) Been thinking today about Ann Voskamp's post about the meaning of YHWH, the Name of God.

Y = yod — Hand
H = heh — window of breath, Behold
W = vav — Nail
H = heh — window of breath, Behold

I didn't know that the unspeakable name of God carries the image of the cross, of suffering. This is the name He calls Himself, long before the New Testament. There is such deep vulnerability here -- that I can't even get my mind around. God, making Himself so vulnerable to me. I don't understand it, but it's drawing my heart closer to Him. Vulnerability has that effect on me.

2) "How glorious the splendor of a human heart that trusts that it is loved!"- Brennan Manning. I ran into this quote the other day. He always makes me think. This time, he made me cry.

I want to be there. I want to trust that I am loved...deeply, passionately, completely. Some days I catch glimpses of this. But letting it sink down deep into the very core of my being takes a lot of courage.

3) One of the hard things about having your marriage die from infidelity is that rejection becomes an unwelcome companion. It can creep up in the most innocent of moments and before you know it, you are staggering under a wave of debilitating emotion. It is crippling to the soul.
I have worked through so much rejection feelings and beliefs and received extensive healing from the Lord in this area. But I still battle a deep, nagging fear that maybe I deserved it after all and that my future relationships will be a continuous cycle of rejection. Not fun! I really want this to be gone once and for all. I think God is getting me there...gradually. The road to freedom is painful.

4) I skipped church on Sunday and went to the beach by myself. I didn't plan on it. But my drive took me in the general direction of the beach and on an impulse, I kept going east. It was a beautiful day. I sat on the sand, looking at that big ocean, letting my stress and anxieties drift out to sea. God showed up and we did some talking. Mostly He talked and I wrote it down.
He wants me to take the next month off. Not do anything for Him, not pursue Him, not work at this. Just receive. Let Him love me. Focus on receiving His love and let myself be pursued.

It sounds wonderful. But I'm a little scared. Honestly, I don't know how to be pursued. I don't think I know how to be loved. Wow! Just saying it out there like that is even more scary. How did I get to be like this? I have no idea. But I'm glad He knows what He's doing.

I leave you with a few verses from Song of Songs I am pondering:

"Arise, My darling, My beautiful one,

and come with me.

See! The winter is past;

the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear on the earth;

the season of singing has come,

the cooing of doves is heard in our land.

The fig tree forms its early fruit,

the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.

Arise,

come, My darling,

My beautiful one,

come with Me."

"I am my Beloved's and His desire is for me."

Holding His nail-scarred hand and breathing,

Surrender

2011-02-07T23:12:00.000-05:00

Surrender is never easy. When God asks me to lay down my dearest treasures and loves, the deepest hopes and desires of my heart, the things I long for and seek after, it feels like dying inside to let go.

There have been countless surrenders large and small over the last few years. I've come to recognize that gentle nudging in my spirit, the Lord's quiet voice asking me, "Will I be enough for you if I take this away?" Every single time my heart cries out "No! How can I lay down one more thing? Haven't You taken enough from me?"

The battle inside can last for days or only a few hours. But each surrender is hard won through tears and groans, the slow unclenching of my hands around that one thing He is asking for. I cannot claim any credit for my letting go. He is the one who initiates and brings my heart through all the turmoil and wrestling to that quiet place of trust saying, "Not my will, but Yours be done."

It's exhausting. The severing of my heart from its secret idols is beyond painful, but in the end it's worth it. I know freedom lies on the other side of the battle. Freedom and peace.

And in the quiet stillness after the struggle, receiving the comfort of One who understands what it means to surrender and lay everything in the dust -- there are no words to describe.

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

1 John 3:16

In His embrace,

Cold hands, thankful heart

2010-12-13T20:37:00.000-05:00

It's getting very cold. I've been tucking in my roses and flowers every night to protect them from the frost.

Yeah, I realize that for most of ya'll, my Florida winter is nothing compared to your frigid temperatures and all the snow you've been shoveling. And though I'd love to go visit and let my kids experience snow for the first time in their lives, it still is nice to live in the Sunshine state and eat fresh-picked grapefruits in December. Which brings me to my gratitude list...

Thankful for these gifts:

356.   Pecan chocolate caramel pretzel treats. (Yum!)
357.   Curling up with a blanket and a good book
358.   Next to a blazing fire (sigh)
359. Getting my first marriage proposal less than a week after being officially single again (okay, so it was a joke -- but it was still nice to hear. LOL!)
360. Catching glimpses of what it means to be enjoyed by God.
361. A nice long phone call from a dear friend.
362. Pancakes for dinner
363. The freedom of forgiveness
364. Sharing life with my favorite people
365. Candles & coffee with Jesus in the morning.

With Joy,

Wide Open

2010-10-18T17:14:00.000-04:00

There have been steps outside my comfort zone lately. This has surfaced insecurities, doubts, fears -- those nagging, pesky critters that I like to think I've shaken for good. But seems like when I let myself be seen, inevitably...later...the inner questions come and with it the temptation to pull back in my shell and hide.

But Jesus leans in close and draws my gaze to His. Looking deep, He calms my heart's little anxieties with His warm tenderness. It's hard to hang on to fear in the face of such overwhelming love and delight. Before long, I'm laughing with Him and holding out my hand in trust.

Following Jesus is always an adventure.

Seeing His love in these gifts:

346. A quiet Saturday spent cleaning house, reading and contemplating.
347. Candles
348. A package of fresh-baked cookies
349. Laughing at British comedies with my sister.
350. Meeting some wonderful people - kindred spirits
351. Warm hugs on a Sunday morning
352. Driving with the windows down and the music up.
353. Blue, blue sky and even bluer ocean
354. Peanutbutter
355. Discovering a sweet note from my daughter

Being brave,

Wonder

2010-10-16T17:42:00.000-04:00

i thank You God for most this amazing
day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any--lifted from the no
of all nothing--human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

(Photo of Andes foothills I climbed and explored as a child.)

My Strength

2010-10-11T15:49:00.001-04:00

The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation.
Psalm 118:14

Thanking Him for these gifts. . .

336. Breezy afternoons
337. Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream
338. Giggles and practical jokes
339. Freshly mopped kitchen floor
340. Roses, impatiens and marigolds
341. Worshiping together with a new church
342. Knowing I am never really alone
343. On a whim, spending an evening at the beach with my kids, making memories
344. Hearing the word that refreshes the weary
345. Seeing videos of my childhood home, remembering the beauty

In His strength,

A repost

2010-09-28T17:17:00.000-04:00

I was meandering through some older posts and ran into this one. It's a favorite. Anything about grace tends to capture my attention. Because I need to think about this again, I'm reposting. . .

Sunday morning, my pastor used a phrase that captured my attention.

He said we live in "an atmosphere of grace."

Atmosphere of Grace

This is more than just a cool phrase.

What does this mean?

What does it look like?

How does it feel?

Quite honestly, I'm still trying to understand this concept.

But I know it's true. This is something God has been impressing on me for a while.

This is reality: I live in grace.

After spending years in performance-based religion, an atmosphere of grace sounds so inviting. Like you can lean back, relax, let go of fear and just be yourself.

It's safe. No one is going to get mad at you and reject you for failing. Your immaturities and imperfections are noticed, but not magnified. You are loved through them. You are seen wearing His righteousness.

You are trusted. You are believed in. Your life matters.

"In Him we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28

Living in an atmosphere of grace is really just living in Jesus, because He is grace.

But the "living in" part is what I'm slowly discovering. Not mere words or abstract ideas, but what it truly means in the daily reality of my life. I want to understand what it looks like, how it works. I want to see and touch it, to experience this fully.

If you have experienced this, then I invite you to share your stories of what living in grace looks like to you and how it's affecting your life.

Wondering,

Filtered Light

2010-09-27T10:35:00.001-04:00

Sometimes the sun gets blocked. There are only glimpses of light shining through. Often I find myself frustrated, wanting to know more, wanting wide open spaces where I can see everything laid out in front, making it easier to control. Or so it seems.

But control is an illusion and God loves me too much to lay such a heavy burden on me. So He gives light for one step only, just for today. And when I relax and trust Him, I begin to see the beauty of filtered light.

Resting in these gifts. . .

326. Roses blooming outside my kitchen window.
327. Enduring and faithful promises that hold true day after day, year after year.
328. Encouraging words from saints of long ago
329. Food in my pantry and fridge
330. Being reminded that the most important things in life are invisible
331. Affectionate hugs from my kids
332. Clean dishes
333. Tiramisu
334. Smiles from a kindred spirit
335. Joy that bubbles up in a heart at rest.

"The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness will be quietness and confidence forever." Isaiah 32.17

Still Waters

2010-09-20T17:13:00.000-04:00

"You lead me beside still waters. You restore my soul."
Psalm 23:2,3

In the hectic, busyness of the day, taking a quiet moment to lean in hard against His strength and grace, I breathe.

"...in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15

Peace flows in with the Living Water. And as my soul quiets down, trust grows and I gain perspective.

Seeing His love through these gifts. . .

316. Meeting new friends.
317. Mango-darjeeling tea.
318. Praying with a sister.
319. Arepas con queso and a movie
320. Pouring out and receiving back more than I have given
321. Having the house all to myself for one night.
322. Being greeted at the door by a bundle of furry affection
323. Laughing till the stomach aches and the tears flow.
324. Leaving a heavy burden in His hands and hearing His word to me, reminding me He cares for even these.
325. A long drive on a quiet, moonlit night.

Being still,

Satisfied

2010-08-16T09:40:00.000-04:00

For he satisfies the longing soul,

and fills the hungry soul with good things.

Psalm 107:9

Giving thanks for these good things:

306. Gifts from another country

307. Tax-free weekend for school supply shopping

308. Dark chocolate

309. The hope and confidence of a good future

310. My girl's generosity in donating her long hair to Locks of Love

311. The smile in her eyes seeing her new cute hairstyle

312. New friendships

313. Affectionate touch when it's most needed

314. Air conditioning

315. God's gentle answer to the unasked question of my heart

Tasting His goodness,

Art by I. Lilias Trotter

(In)courage

2010-08-15T06:37:00.000-04:00

(In)courage is having some awesome giveaways to celebrate their first anniversary. For the next month, they are giving away a gift each day. Fun!

Happy

2010-08-09T16:32:00.000-04:00

You have made known to me the path of life;

You fill me with joy in Your presence

With eternal pleasures at Your right hand.

Psalm 16:11

Enjoying His presence and these pleasures. . .

295. Strawberry-banana-mango-blueberry smoothie

296. Sharing laughter with a good friend

297. An unexpected cool breeze in Florida in August

298. The smell of coffee brewing early in the morning

299. Songs that make my heart sing

300. Scent of my girl's freshly-washed hair while I brush it

301. Encouraging words from my sister

302. Feeling God's favor and affection

303. Flowers on my kitchen table

304. Working things out to the hugs and laughter.

With joy,

In the blue

2010-07-26T13:49:00.000-04:00

The LORD, your God is with you, he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
Zeph. 3:17

Seeing His delight in me with these gifts. . .

285. Silvery moonrise over the Atlantic
286. Tossing a frisbee in the waves
287. Enjoying an evening with good friends
288. Sunday morning coffee with Him
289. A really fun chick flick
290. Yellow butterflies dancing outside my window
291. Waking up with hope
292. The freedom to lay down fears and receive peace
293. Sitting in the blue darkness, listening to the ocean
294. Not getting hopped on by that toad in my driveway!

Quietly being loved,

Celebration

2010-07-24T15:04:00.001-04:00

My daughter was baptized today.

It's something she has wanted to do for a long time. But I asked her to wait until her dad could be there.

This morning on the beach, at sunrise, she demonstrated her faith in Jesus in the presence of both her parents, her brother, family, friends and church.

It was beautiful!

Rejoicing,

17

2010-07-20T07:02:00.000-04:00

Seventeen years ago this coming Saturday was my wedding day.
July 24, 1993.

Yesterday, I reviewed the final draft of the "marriage settlement agreement" for our divorce.

There's not much to settle. We leave the marriage empty-handed, just like we entered it. The only treasures are two beautiful, precious, amazing children and years of memories.

This was not how I wanted it to end. Watching the relationship crumble quickly before my eyes, I fought hard to keep it going, to keep it alive. For 3 long years I waited, praying and hoping, begging God for restoration.

And God restored me.

In a few days, my husband and I will sign a document, just like we did 17 years ago. Then he will go his way and I will go mine.

It's strange, I thought it would destroy me to go through all that I've experienced. I thought divorce would be the worst thing that could happen. Yet here I am on the very threshold and I feel peace. A little sadness. But mostly peace and a sense of anticipation for what God has for me.

I am thankful. Thankful for 17 years as a wife. I grew so much as a person being married to him. I'm thankful for the past 3 1/2 years of heartache. Walking those dark paths, I have learned the faithfulness of God and how deeply the Lord loves me. I have learned to trust.

"Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God, you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you -- I, whom you have redeemed."
Psalm 71:19-21, 22

In hope,

Unfailing

2010-07-19T08:45:00.001-04:00

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Psalm 90:14

Seeing His unfailing love in these gifts. . .

275. discovering a new song that speaks straight to my heart

276. fun and laughter on a Friday night

277. hearing from a long-ago friend

278. a hand reaching out to hold mine in prayer

279. quiet solitude and time to think

280. peppermint oil in my mop water

281. a good conversation with my dad

282. the joy of making new friends

283. three favorite books from the library

284. a 10 year old boy inviting me to play marbles

With joy,

Praising

2010-07-06T21:05:00.000-04:00

Praise the LORD.

Praise, O servants of the LORD; praise the name of the LORD.
Let the name of the LORD be praised, both now and forevermore.
From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised.

The LORD is exalted over all the nations, his glory above the heavens.
Who is like the LORD our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth?
He raises the poor from the dust, and lifts the needy from the ash heap.

Psalm 113:1-7

Some days are spent in dust and ashes. But looking up and seeing His face, seeing His glory changes everything. The sight of Him fills my heart with wonder. His grace and holiness cleansing my dusty soul, refreshing my spirit.

Who is like the LORD our God!

In worship,

Receiving

2010-06-28T08:09:00.001-04:00

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me. By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.
Psalm 42:7,8

Receiving His love in these gifts

265. The laughter and warmth of friendship.
266. My girl's hand slipping into mine during Sunday worship.
267. Listening to someone I barely know pray for me.
268. Sweet southern ice tea on a hot day.

269. Discovering my cantaloupe vines are growing melons.

270. The freedom to laugh at myself when I realize I don't remember how to spell cantaloupe. (giggle!) Thankful for dictionary.com.
271. Early morning coffee in His presence.

272. My boy cooking homemade pancakes for breakfast

273. Listening to my kids laughing together.

274. The fun of getting wet in an unexpected rain shower.

Enjoying the adventure,

photo courtesy of www.forestwander.com

Storm

2010-06-25T15:12:00.000-04:00

This is me. My life.

The past few years have been one long, furious storm. Sometimes it was so hard to see through the pounding rain. Dark days where the sun seemed a distant memory. It was all I could do to huddle down with my kids praying God would just get us through.

And He did.

The storm slowly eased off. Light began to peek through the gray clouds, giving glimpses of hope that maybe life could be good again for us.

Now I look around me, amazed. Surprised. The landscape looks very different than I imagined. It always is after the big storms. But there's beauty here, more than I ever expected. I see God's glory shining through the fading storm.

We are changed, my kids and me. There is a heartache we will always carry. Loss does that to you. But there's joy here too. And today, I find myself thanking God for the storm.

In His arms,

Unexpected

2010-06-14T21:36:00.004-04:00

We were looking forward to school winding down and the first relaxing days of summer. But unexpectedly, my daughter ended up in the hospital.
This was not how we planned the summer to begin.
It's rare that life goes according to plan.
That's what makes it an adventure!

In the midst of the stress and worry, God placed His small touches throughout the days reminding me that He was there with us.

Thanking Him for these unexpected gifts. . .

255. A friendly and helpful ER staff
256. Her dad being there and spending that first night with her.
257. Hearing friends and family were praying for my girl.
258. A spacious room with a view on the 14th floor
259. Seeing my girl's courage and endurance.
260. Coffee and yummy frosted cinnamon rolls
261. Discovering one of those wonderful nurses is a sister
262. Free parking.
263. Watching a movie together and laughing
264. Seeing that beautiful sunrise with her from the hospital room.

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.
Psalm 116:7

Transition

2010-06-02T20:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't had much to say.

God is up to something. I don't know what it is exactly, only that it's good.

But the mystery is wreaking havoc with the lingering control freak side of me.
When I ask Him, He only grins and says, "Trust Me."

Transition is not easy. This shifting of paradigms makes me dizzy. It's hard to focus, hard to understand what it is I see. I'm at a loss to know how to be, how to feel, what to think.

My old, familiar ways are dissolving and I have nothing left to hold onto.
Except a scarred hand that holds the world, and holds me.

I don't know where we're going. But I trust Him more today than I did yesterday.
I guess that's enough.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,
Do not fear; I will help you.
Isaiah 41:13

Healing Begins

2010-05-31T12:28:00.000-04:00

Love this song!

Dawn

2010-05-10T08:15:00.000-04:00

"Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this:

He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,

the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

Psalm 37:5,6

This morning, praising Him for these gifts. . .

245. Birds singing in the dark

246. Cinnamon french toast prepared by a talented young chef

247. Long walk around the lake with my kids

248. Mother's Day made special with gifts and words of love.

249. A cup of coffee enjoyed in His Presence

250. Deep peace that gives strength and courage

251. Hearing stories of God at work in faraway places

252. That He invites me in and lets Himself be known by me

253. Red and yellow tulips blooming on my kitchen table

254. New friends

In His light,

Peace for the Journey

2010-05-06T09:42:00.004-04:00

One of my favorite bloggers has released a new book. I stumbled on Elaine's site, Peace for the Journey, several months ago and it quickly became a place I visit often. I love what she has to say. Her writing is rich, deep and authentic. She always makes me think and ponder.

Elaine is giving away 3 copies of her new book, "Peace for the Journey: in the pleasure of his company". Check out her blog for details.

Congratulations, Elaine!

Raindrops on Roses

2010-05-05T14:51:00.000-04:00

Wordless,

Shade

2010-05-03T16:06:00.000-04:00

The LORD watches over you -- the LORD is your shade at your right hand.

Psalm 121:5

He refreshes me with these gifts

235. A clean desk
236. Flowers that grow in the shade
237. Listening to my girl read her poetry
238. Listening to a cool song my boy discovered
239. Salad, garlic bread, lasagna and good friends
240. Air conditioning
241. Being known and understood
242. Wrestling through problems and getting to a place of peace and quiet trust
243. Hearing a friend speak God's Word straight to my heart
244. New opportunities

Restore

2010-04-27T15:53:00.000-04:00

He leads me beside quiet waters. He restores my soul.
Psalm 23:2, 3

Some days are crazy, hectic, full of activity and pouring out. It's easy to get overwhelmed with the list of things to do, and every thing seems urgent. Before long, I am running on empty, stressed out, spent.

God intervenes in His quiet way, drawing my attention to Him with a random word, a glimpse of beauty or through the restless longing of my heart desperate for peace.

There, in the deep places of my spirit, our eyes meet and I know.

I know that I am loved.
I know that I can trust Him.
I know that He is taking care of me.
I know that He is for me.
My heart relaxes and begins to rest in His.

He restores my soul.

In peace,

Awesome giveaway

2010-04-21T21:52:00.000-04:00

To celebrate her one year blog anniversary, my friend, Karen, over at Green Onions, is giving away a beautiful apron by Scarlet Threads, an organization "that works to transform the lives of Asian women through dignified and safe employment opportunities."

You have until midnight, April 25th to enter. So hurry on over to Green Onions and enter the contest. Check out Scarlet Threads while you're at it.

Faithful

2010-04-19T10:28:00.000-04:00

Blessed is he whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD his God, the maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them -- the LORD, who remains faithful forever.

Psalm 146:5,6

Seeing His faithfulness in these gifts

225. The hill behind my house turning from drab brown to vivid green

226. A hidden bird singing her heart out this morning

227. Studying His word with good friends

228. Knowing that He is here with me in the messiness of my life

229. A new rosebud blooming on my favorite bush

230. Listening to my daughter share her heart

231. Hearing my son share his dreams

232. Receiving His provision for a secret need

233. The quiet confidence of resting in His love

234. Being encouraged and inspired by a friend

photo courtesy of www.forestwander.com

Counting. . .

2010-04-12T12:36:00.000-04:00

Considering His gifts. . .

215. A peaceful day of soul renewing

216. Hugs and bedtime snuggles with my kids

217. Flowers on my kitchen table

218. Turning a problem over to Him and seeing Him work it out

219. Shared laughter

220. Sunday lunch with a friend

221. Grace when I didn't expect it

222. Scent of springtime and orange blossoms

223. Dreams unfolding quietly

224. Finding my lost pair of sunglasses =)

Let all that I am praise the LORD;

with my whole heart I will praise his holy name.

Let all that I am praise the LORD;

may I never forget the good things he has done for me.

Psalm 103:1,2

photo courtesy of www.forestwander.com

Easter morning

2010-04-06T10:00:00.000-04:00

O LORD, our LORD, how majestic is your name in all the earth!
You have set your glory above the heavens.
From the lips of children and infants, you have ordained praise.
Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.
Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains,
your justice like the great deep.
For with you is the fountain of life; and in your light, we see light.

Spring

2010-03-29T10:14:00.000-04:00

It's spring!

The roses and azaleas are blooming.

Tiny lizards have come out of hiding to play tag on my front patio.

Green is showing up everywhere.

I love it!

Thanking God for these gifts. . .

205. Waking up to the sound of rain

206. Planting a garden with my girl

207. Spoken words that make me think

208. Coming home from the library with lots of books

209. Warm cinnamon rolls for breakfast

210. His whispered reminders that I can trust Him

211. Listening to my boy tell stories of his weekend adventures

212. Spring break and slow unhurried mornings

213. His peace

214. Knowing He is my dearest friend

But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign LORD my shelter, and I will tell everyone about the wonderful things you do.

Psalm 73:28

Atmosphere

2010-03-28T14:50:00.005-04:00

This morning, my pastor used a phrase that captured my attention.
He said we live in "an atmosphere of grace."

Atmosphere of Grace

This is more than just a cool phrase.

What does this mean?

What does it look like?

How does it feel?

Quite honestly, I'm still trying to understand this concept.

But I know it's true. This is something God has been impressing on me for a while.

This is reality: I live in grace.

After spending years in performance-based religion, an atmosphere of grace sounds so inviting. Like you can lean back, relax, let go of fear and just be yourself.

You are trusted. You are believed in. Your life matters.

"In Him we live and move and have our being." Acts 17:28

Living in an atmosphere of grace is really just living in Jesus, because He is grace.

If you have experienced this, then I invite you to share your stories of what living in an atmosphere of grace looks like to you and how it's affecting your life.

Delight

2010-03-22T09:37:00.000-04:00

The one thing I ask of the LORD -- the one thing I seek most -- is to live in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, delighting in the LORD's perfections and meditating in his temple.
Psalm 27:4

Delighting in You. . .

195. The way You expose my fears to set me free
196. Your beauty that heals me
197. Knowing I can talk to You any time I want and You always listen
198. That when I ask for wisdom, You give it freely -- as much as I need
199. Your tenderness and affection as You re-father me
200. The ways I see You loving me through other people
201. How You whisper words of encouragement to my heart
202. You show me wonders I've never seen before.
203. You are faithful and true.
204. You offer Your strength on my behalf.

Lord,
I love being with You!

photo: I Will Trust in You by Virginia

Juggling?

2010-03-17T22:54:00.000-04:00

For the record, this woman is not me!

But I think sometimes I expect to juggle all the various roles and responsibilities of a single mom as happily and successfully as she does. Looking around at the condition of my desk, my house, my pantry, my whatever. . . it's obvious to me that I'm not cut out for juggling.

I've lived most of my life in hiding, ashamed of where I fall short of my own expectations, or what I think other people, including God, expect of me. The past few years have been a gradual shifting into grace.

Grace is God coming into the mess and chaos of my life and being with me. He sees where He will bring His beauty and order and freedom. He is patient, with wisdom knowing that He is growing me in some areas, leaving others to remain in seed form for now.

I tend to get frustrated when I see places where I need to grow and change. I'd like it to happen yesterday. God is more gracious with me than I am with myself. He doesn't just see what is, He sees what will be. And slowly, I'm beginning to see that too.

This abundant life that Jesus offers is not a juggling act. Nor is it behavior modification. He grows me from the inside out, working His grace deep into my soul, changing patterns of thinking and beliefs, releasing vision and freedom. Then gradually, change becomes visible on the outside.   His way produces fruit that lasts -- love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, meekness, self-control, faith.

I want that. I'm going to trust Him to make it happen.

He has made everything beautiful in its time.
Ecc 3:11

Details

2010-03-15T21:26:00.001-04:00

Details get missed from a distance.

Stepping closer, leaning in and gazing deep, I see. Really see.

This tiny, perfect beauty is a reminder. God cares about the details.

He draws me closer. Pulling me into His arms, lifting my head, looking deep and seeing me.

And I see Him.

Seeing His grace in the details of my life. . .

185. lovely new blossoms on my rose bushes

186. a song I've never heard before

187. friends that feel like home

188. hard, strong words of love that make me grow

189. a glorious sunset

190. watching Him care for the hearts of my children

191. words of encouragement reminding me I can trust Him

192. desperate needs being met with unexpected and abundant provision

193. feeling His presence with me, even when I'm busy with life

194. His strength laying my fears to rest

The LORD directs the steps of the godly, He delights in every detail of their lives.

Psalm 37:23

photo courtesy of www.forestwander.com

Pensando

2010-03-03T09:01:00.001-05:00

The day comes with its gifts of challenges and delights.

My mind has slipped into a habit of dwelling on difficulties, uncertainties, the things I cannot control. These thoughts grow into anxiety, worry, distress, discouragement and unrest in my heart.

Jesus invites me to a different path.

To look in His eyes, see His compassion for me, trust in His goodness and loving care. To let my thoughts linger on His beauty and strength. To fill my mind with His words of life and truth, and let my heart be quieted with His peace.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." Matt. 11:28-30

Reflecting on what it means to walk in step with Jesus, side by side, I see Him living in trust with the Father, thinking His thoughts, letting His life flow out to others. In the same way, He wants me to surrender my heart and mind to Him, letting Him live through me today.

These difficulties I face are specially-wrapped gifts that He asks me to trust Him to work out. They are designed to draw my gaze to Him, trusting Him to come through for me. So with gratitude, I can thank Him for the very things I have been worrying about. And let them go.

Unfailing

2010-02-22T17:55:00.002-05:00

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, "Do not fear; I will help you."
Isaiah 41:13

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.
Psalm 13:5,6

Seeing His unfailing love in these gifts

175. blowing bubbles with my kids
176. gifts of chocolate in various delectable forms
177. words of truth and life sinking down deep, taking root
178. birthday wishes from friends and family around the world
179. dinner and a movie
180. watching my son interact with Jesus
181. listening to the radio with my girl
182. peace and wisdom for big decisions
183. music in my heart
184. knowing my Father is taking my hand and helping me

Quiet

2010-02-18T11:44:00.001-05:00

This week has been a whirl of activity and emotions.

Changes are happening. I think they are good. God is answering some long-prayed-for requests. In particular, my kids' father has agreed to move to Florida. It's been a tough 2 years for them, living so far away from their dad. All the logical and valid reasons in the world don't make up for the reality that they have spent day after day without a father around.

I'm glad he's moving here. I'm deeply grateful to God for answering this prayer. And I'm quite honestly struggling with this coming change. It will be wonderful for my kids; it will be hard for me.

The other night I pounded out my mixed emotions on the piano. Afterwards, when my kids were tucked in bed, I sat down with God and we talked. Mostly I talked, and He listened. Then taking my hand in His, He reminded me that He can be trusted with all this. That it's okay that I don't know what to do or how to feel. He asked me to trust Him with today and leave tomorrow to Him.

I sighed and leaned in close to Him. My heart grew still and quiet, trusting.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him.

Psalm 62:5

Grace in the ordinary

2010-02-15T18:43:00.001-05:00

Jesus is in the common, ordinary, everyday. . .

He graces simple earth with His presence.

Seeing Him in these gifts

165. answers to silly prayers

166. getting stuck in traffic, giving me time to listen

167. solitude

168. words of encouragement

169. helpful strangers

170. even more helpful friends

171. glimpsing His smile throughout my day

172. beauty in unexpected places

173. hearing my kids say, "I love you, Mom"

174. tiny green life peeking up in my garden

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Psalm 68:19

Love Poem

2010-02-13T23:00:00.001-05:00

Alone and frozen,

Heart broken and afraid

Soul dying

Eyes shuttered

hiding in pain and shame

Arms wrapped around myself

protecting the little girl inside

from the harsh, cruel world.

Unseen

Unknown

Unwanted

Untouched

Light and warmth,

Fragrance of rain,

Tender voice

speaking my name,

Scarred hand reaching out

taking mine.

Seen

Known

Wanted

Held

Flowers and sunshine

Little girl dancing

Heart trusting, unafraid

Soul alive

Eyes laughing with delight

Joy filling all of me

Arms holding You tight.

This is what Your love has done for me.

(Photo courtesy of www.forestwander.com)

Living

2010-02-08T17:42:00.005-05:00

"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a great thing."

- Agatha Christie

Enjoying His Life in these gifts

155. Cuddling on the couch with my kids and a good story

156. Laughter shared with old friends

157. Homemade tacos and ice tea

158. The beauty of a soul transparent

159. Being weird and crazy just for fun

160. The comfortable silence of companionship

161. Orange juice and chicken soup

162. Flowers on the kitchen table

163. Catching glimpses of Him in the people around me

164. Joy that comes in the morning.

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11

Living loved,

(photo courtesy of www.forestwander.com)

His

2010-02-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

Being His,

Promises

2010-02-01T13:46:00.005-05:00

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

Remembering His promises

145. He is always with me.

146. He gives wisdom freely when I ask.

147. He takes great delight in me.

148. He loves me with an everlasting love.

149. He will never abandon or forsake me.

150. He will give me chocolate when I need some. (Okay, so maybe it doesn't exactly say that. But it says He will supply all my needs! I'm sure that includes chocolate too!)

151. He gives beauty for ashes.

152. He watches over me.

153. He carries me.

154. He teaches me and directs me in the way I should go.

In hope,

Simply Be

2010-01-29T16:02:00.005-05:00

The week passes with its share of joys, worries, frustrations and delights.

Life is such a combination of opposites -- mostly at the same time.

Sometimes I just need to be still...

to not feel anything

to not think

to let the decisions of the future,
wait in the future

to look outside my window at the birds trusting their Creator,
and learn from them.

Leaning back against the Strength of Him who holds the worlds together,
who holds me together,
I breathe.

Letting go of the burdens of the day,
letting go of the heaviness in my heart,
letting go of the swirling thoughts,
I rest.

And in the silence
there is peace.

Sometimes all that is needed is to simply be.

"Be still
and know
that I AM God."

Knowing

2010-01-25T10:09:00.000-05:00

(View from a hammock, Saturday.)

"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom,

or the strong man boast of his strength,

or the rich man boast of his riches,

but let him who boasts

boast about this:

that he understands and knows me,

that I am the LORD,

who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth,

for in these I delight," declares the LORD. Isaiah 9:23,24

Knowing Him through these gifts

135. waking to the sound of rain

136. reconnecting with friends

137. memories of His faithfulness

138. the feel of soft earth between my fingers

139. a garden newly planted

140. swinging under the trees in a hammock with my kids

141. giggles and laughter

142. feeling His presence with me

143. belonging

144. words of encouragement

May He encourage you with His kindness today.

Grace (revisted)

2010-01-23T11:48:00.004-05:00

Grace comes in unexpectedly.

When my heart is shrinking in shame at my own inability to do what I know is right, grace comes in and lifts my head to gaze into the eyes of perfect Love.
Grace invites me to live in beauty, freely given without reserve.

When my heart is fiery, full of righteous indignation at the injustice of others, ready to rush in where angels fear to tread, grace is a cooling mist, quieting the flames and reminding me I don't know the whole story.
Grace invites me to live in compassion and understanding.

When my heart is cold and hard, self-protective, building walls against continuous hurt and rejection, grace wraps warm arms around me, melting my frozen spirit with unconditional acceptance.
Grace invites me to be myself and live delighted in.

When my heart is wary and afraid, mistrustful of motives, withdrawing in fearful isolation, grace walks in with coffee and cookies, sharing openhearted laughter and the joy of being known.
Grace invites me to live in safety and intimacy.

Grace comes in offering freedom
to live,
to forgive,
to love deep,
to embrace an enemy,
to be known,
to hope,
to come home.

This amazing grace.

(first posted October, 2009)

12

2010-01-18T08:00:00.007-05:00

Remembering. . .

twelve years ago today, holding my tiny firstborn in my arms, marveling at the miracle he is, my heart filled with wonder and gratitude.

Even now he still amazes me.

Thanking the Father for such a precious gift.

These are 12 things I admire, appreciate and respect about my son.

His love for Jesus. From an early age, his heart has longed for God.
His crazy sense of humor. It's so much fun to laugh together.
He is kind and gentle, especially with little kids.
His courage. He keeps going even when it's hard and he's afraid.
He watches out for his little sister.
His desire to help and offer his strength on behalf of others.
His honesty. He isn't afraid to be honest with God or with me.
His ability to make friends wherever he goes. When he was four years old, I cautioned him against talking to strangers. His response, "But Mommy, if you tell them your name, you're not strangers anymore. " I think that's still his philosophy.
His willingness to forgive -- no matter what.
His curiosity about life and his love of learning new things.
His adventurous spirit.
Finally, that he rescues me from frogs and toads without complaining, even in the middle of the night. (smile)

Steven, you're awesome!
Happy Birthday, Son!

Pray for Haiti

2010-01-14T08:02:00.004-05:00

If you've been following the news, you've heard about the devastating earthquake in Haiti.

The level of suffering going on in that small country is beyond imagining. My heart aches for these people.

There are no words.

Chris and Leslie Rollings, with Clean Water for Haiti, live and work near Port au Prince. Thankfully, their home was not damaged. But Chris was in the city when the earthquake hit and witnessed first hand the horror of buildings collapsing around him, trapping people inside.

He and Leslie are doing what they can to assist in rescue efforts and provide clean water for the survivors. They share about their work and how to get involved on their blog.

I also read this morning that Compassion International sponsors around 65,000 Haitian children. A third of these live in the area affected by the earthquake. Many of these children are feared dead or orphaned. Compassion has started a Haiti Disaster Relief Fund to provide for the immediate needs of these children. You can find out more about it at www.compassion.com.

Please join me in praying for the people in Haiti.

Every thing

2010-01-11T08:00:00.002-05:00

The heavens are yours, and the earth is yours. everything in the world is yours -- you created it all.
Psalm 89:11

Considering His gifts

114. the kind generosity of good friends
115. frozen fruit smoothies
116. waking up
117. strong bodies and strong hearts
118. answers to forgotten prayers
119. daily reminders of His love
120. His precious Word in my heart language
121. a warm fire on a cold night
122. praying with my kids and seeing Jesus comfort them
123. hope

Same kind of different as me

2010-01-10T19:16:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I started reading a book a friend gave me. I couldn't put it down.

It captured my attention from page one. I cried my way through the last few chapters with my daughter's concerned gaze on me. "It's okay" I told her. "These are good tears."

I don't even know how to describe this book. There are no words. It has made a powerful impact on me.

Woven through the true story of the friendship of these two men and one courageous woman are vivid glimpses of the passionate love of God.

I'm still thinking about it, trying to process what I've seen, to take it in.

All I can say is, read this book! You won't be the same when you're through.

Tagged

2010-01-09T11:59:00.002-05:00

My friend, Karen, at Green Onions tagged me with this lengthy list of questions that I'm sure ya'll are dying to know about me. So I won't keep you in suspense any longer. Here goes. . .

1.What is your current obsession? I'm too laid back to be obsessive. But I'm fascinated by people and love getting to know them.

2. What are you wearing today?  Clothes. (smile -- couldn't resist!) Specifically, jeans, sweatshirt, socks.

3. What’s for dinner? maybe nachos or hotdogs -- kids choice tonight

4. What’s the last thing you bought? Groceries

5. What are you listening to right now? My high energy playlist of Group 1 Crew, Toby Mac, Black Eyed Peas, Superchick, Family Force 5, Shakira, U2.

6. What do you think about the person who tagged you?  I think she's awesome and fun to be with. :)

7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?  Some tropical, mountainous region close to a beach (without mosquitoes).

8. What are your must-have pieces for summer? flip-flops, swimsuit, beach towel, sunscreen.

9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go? Way up North to visit my friend, Ellie, and play in the snow. (only for an hour before I start freezing! Then we could go inside.)

10. Which language do you want to learn?  Italian, Romanian, French, Portuguese and Spanish more fluently

11. What’s your favorite quote? I have lots of favorites. One that springs to mind is "God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame" - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

12. Who do you want to meet right now? Billy Coffey. Or Katie (with Amazima) in Uganda.

13. What is your favorite color?  Blue

14. What is your favorite piece of clothing in your own closet?  My Tinkerbell dress (as my daughter calls it).

15. What is your dream job?  vision coach

16. What’s your favorite magazine? Discipleship Journal

17. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?  I'd give it to some women in Africa to feed their families. They could use it more than me.

18. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?  I'm a little fashion-challenged so I probably make my own share of fashion faux pas.

19. Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?  See above. What do I know about style icons?

20. What kind of haircut do you prefer?  Whatever looks good and is low-maintenance.

21. What are you going to do after this?  Read, think, pray, take down the Christmas tree, sit by the fire with some hot cocoa, play with my kids.

22. What are your favorite movies?  Lord of the Rings, Narnia movies, Princess Bride, old black and white classics (especially with Cary Grant), Slumdog Millionaire, Julie/Julia, Last of the Mohicans, Master and Commander, almost anything with Jackie Chan, Pride and Prejudice -- I could go on but won't.

23. What are three cosmetic/makeup/perfume products that you can't live without?  foundation, mascara, lipstick

24. What inspires you?  People who love Jesus passionately and who are wholeheartedly living out their God-given dreams and purpose.

25. Give us three styling tips that always work for you? (I think this is a dumb question so I'm trading it for my own.)

New 25. What makes you feel most alive? (Hey, great question, so glad you asked!) I feel most alive when I'm talking about what Jesus has done for me, when I'm listening to someone and really see them -- the amazing person they are, when I'm playing the piano.

26. What do you do when you “have nothing to wear” (even though your closet’s packed)?  Do laundry.

27. Coffee or tea? Both. Coffee in the morning, tea in the afternoon. 

28. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed? I withdraw to a quiet place, sit down with God, pour out my heart, listen, read what He has to say, and let Him love on me.  

29. What is the meaning of your name? "Angela" - Messenger of God, "Faye" - Fairy

30. Which other blogs do you love visiting?  See my sidebar.

31. Favorite Dessert/Sweet? Anything with chocolate

32. Favorite Season?  I like them all -- there's beauty in each season.

33. If I come to your house now, what would you cook for me? Thai food

34. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?  I think it's good to let them know how what they're doing is affecting you. But if they continue, I would put distance in the relationship.

35. How do you calm yourself down when you are agitated or angry?  I tell God about it, give Him my anger, and make the decision to trust Him with this. Since anger is a secondary emotion, usually there's something deeper going on, like I'm hurt or afraid. When I get a chance, I pray about it, ask Him for wisdom and clarity, and write my thoughts out to discover the real issue. Then we talk about it and I usually end up with truth, freedom and peace. :)

36.Who is the modern ideal girl..the one who knows how to shop, dress and enjoy or the one who is simple but manages the house, kids and herself well? 

The modern ideal girl is one who is comfortable in her own skin, who has a clear sense of who she is and gets her identity from how God sees her, and who can focus on loving others because she is secure in His love for her.

(Whew! I'm done!)

Now who should I pass on this tag to? Hmmn, I'm thinking Becky and Ellie.
Ladies, I can't wait to read your answers! Have fun!

Sons

2010-01-07T18:01:00.004-05:00

My nearly 12-year old son sent me these tonight. That boy sure knows how to encourage!
He's still at the age where it's okay to hug your mom. I'm enjoying every minute of it because I know that may change soon. But for now, I'll take whatever I get.

So my dream came true -- I finally have a star on Hollywood Blvd.

Wow! Every mother needs a blimp telling her she's awesome!

I asked my son if he'd ever do this for me. He laughed and said no.
I guess love has its limits. :)
I think he's keeping his long hair -- for now.

So I'm off to relax by the fire he's building for me on this frigid Florida night.
Ya'll stay warm!

Just thinking

2010-01-06T11:28:00.009-05:00

Seems like God has a way of slowing us down when He wants to get our attention.

Lately, He has blocked my path in some areas. I wasted time in helpless frustration before catching on to what He was doing.

So stepping back, I started looking.
Thinking.
Praying.

He's up to something different between us, something deeper. I catch glimpses of it here and there -- enough to capture my heart and cooperation.

Today, I read these words my friend, Ellie, wrote on her blog. With her permission, I share them with you.

"God is not a disciplinarian. There is a delight in knowing Him that I never realized existed. He disciplines me, but the goal is not that I become perfect as in a perfect model or display, but that we might have a perfectness in our relationship, no tension, no slights, no strain between us. Accepted with all my faults, loved with an abandoned delight, and called to grow into a perfect relationship."

These words so resonate with me!

I'm hungry for the kind of relationship that cannot be ruined by anyone's failures or weaknesses, or stupid misunderstandings. Where it's safe to screw up because grace is big enough and your heart is always seen with love. Where no one is looking at you with a critical eye, but instead with complete delight and a smile on their face. Where there is freedom to dream and grow and make mistakes along the way.

I'm beginning to understand that I already have what I long for. This is what God gives me.

My Song

2010-01-03T21:32:00.006-05:00

"The LORD is my strength and my song,
He has become my salvation."
Psalm 118:14

Thanking Him for these gifts

104. hot cocoa on a chilly morning
105. listening to my kids dreaming big
106. the fun of being silly together
107. imaginations running free
108. shooting hoops with my boy
109. snuggles and hugs
110. making music
111. timely offerings of wisdom
112. being loved
113. bocadillo con queso

Word

2010-01-02T17:38:00.005-05:00

Someone recently challenged me to pray for a word that will be the theme for 2010.

So I've been thinking about this,

and I have a word.

But first,
looking back over the past year,
tracing God's hand through all the days,
I see where I've been
and how far He has brought me.

2009 has been the year of Letting Go.

I entered 2009 grieving the death of my marriage, the loss of relationship.
As anyone who has lost love can understand, grief takes a long time. I am thankful God gave me the time I needed to walk through those dark, sad, pain-filled days. He walked them with me.

In early summer, I came out of the cave and into the sunshine. Life began to look hopeful again. But there was still much more letting go. Releasing long-held beliefs, fears, idols, masks. Learning to trust, to open up, to let in, to simply be.

And somehow mixed in the middle of all this, even the grief, there was joy -- so much joy. Unexpected, always a surprise, yet given freely without reserve.

What an amazing year!

I am full of gratitude at the grace and tenderness of God, lavishly pouring out His love on this broken heart, restoring me and making all things new.

Yesterday, in the quiet beginning of 2010, He whispered words of hope and life.

Dream, Little One.
Dream big!
My dreams for you are more than you can imagine.
So let yourself dream.

New Year's Winner

2010-01-01T11:23:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year!!!

It's always exciting to begin a new year. It's like a brand new gift just waiting to be opened.

Speaking of gifts, I'm happy to announce we have a winner in my Christmas Giveaway!

Becky, of This and That, yours was the name my daughter picked out of the hat this morning. Congratulations!

Becky and her husband, Miguel, are missionaries with New Tribes Mission serving in Mexico. She's also one of my lifelong best friends. I've known Becky since we were two little girls going to the MK boarding school in Colombia. She can sure tell some stories about me!

Becky, I'll be mailing your package this week.

Thanks to all of you who entered. This was so much fun I may be doing this again soon!

Have a wonderful 2010!

Wonderful

2009-12-28T09:49:00.014-05:00

His divine power
has given us
everything
we need
for life
and godliness

through our knowledge of him
who called us
by his own glory
and goodness
2 Peter 1:3

Seeing Him in these gifts,

afternoon sunlight through the trees
laughing with friends
quiet, restful solitude
grace from those who see me at my best -- and worst
red wine and artichoke spinach dip
walking through memories that no longer hurt
tasting life more sweet now than bitter
unexpected words of encouragement
generosity from a stranger
beauty in music

Christmas Gift

2009-12-25T19:11:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas!

Today has been simply wonderful in unexpected ways. (smile) God is so good!

I've been thinking of having a giveaway for some time now. First, it was going to be on my blog anniversary, next, a 100-post celebration. But both dates passed by unnoticed by me until it was too late.

So here we are at Christmas -- what better time to have a giveaway?

I have a special present to give one of you lucky readers. I'll ship it anywhere in North America (including you guys in Mexico and Canada). To enter, leave a comment on this post from now through December 31st. On New Year's Day, a winner will be randomly selected (my kids will pick your name out of a hat) and I'll announce who you are.

Feel free to post about my giveaway on your blog. The more the merrier!

Many blessings,

Sacred Ordinary

2009-12-21T23:48:00.009-05:00

He who entered the chaos, dirt and sweat of common humanity and became Emmanuel, God with us,

still enters in to my common human existence with the gift of His Presence and makes the ordinary something sacred.

Thanking Him for these gifts

an unhurried morning with no school preparations (I'm loving Christmas break!)
seeing my kids unwind, relax and play
clean dishes and clean laundry
sipping coffee and looking at our Christmas tree
vanilla sugar body lotion
one secret, longed-for dream made real
the smell of brand new books
the joy and excitement of giving
watching a friend teach my son to use power tools
a new garden taking shape

"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us." John 1:14

poem

2009-12-20T18:19:00.006-05:00

LET THE STABLE STILL ASTONISH

Let the stable still astonish.
Straw–dirt floor, dull eyes,
Dusty flanks of donkeys, oxen;
Crumbling, crooked walls;
No bed to carry that pain,
And then, the child,
Rag-wrapped, laid to cry
In a trough.

Who would have said: “Yes,
Let the God of all the heavens and earth
Be born here, in this place?
Who but the same God
Who stands in the darker, fouler rooms
Of our hearts
And says, “Yes,
Let the God of Heaven and Earth
Be born here
In this place.
- Leslie Leyland Fields

The Meaning of Shepherds

2009-12-19T09:55:00.020-05:00

It's that time of year to reflect on the Lord's birth and what His coming means.

Recently, some friends sent me a newsletter with intriguing insights into why God chose shepherds to be the first people to hear of the Savior's birth.

Here's what they say:

"Have you ever wondered why God first announced the birth of His Son to a few shepherds out on the Bethlehem hillside? Why not wake up the people in Bethlehem? The town was overflowing with people there to register for the census. I am sure that they would have been just as impressed as the shepherds. The account says that the angel said it was good tidings of great joy to ALL people. But to look at it from a human viewpoint is to miss the whole point.

God could have chosen any town in Israel for his son to be born. Why choose that particular town? Bethlehem was a cattle town but more specifically a sheep town. The sheep raised in Bethlehem were raised specifically for sacrifice in Jerusalem not far away. Many people that came to Jerusalem from the remote corners of the country would buy their sacrificial lamb there, which had been most likely born and raised in Bethlehem.

The night that Jesus was born the shepherds on the hillsides around Bethlehem were out there because it was lambing season and they were out there to protect and inspect the lambs that were born because they had to be without blemish to be of any good for sacrifice in Jerusalem. Are you starting to get the picture? Baby Jesus “the lamb of God that takes away the sins of the world” was born in the very town where the sacrificial lambs are born and the same shepherds that are inspecting the newborn lambs are sent by God to inspect His lamb. They find him acceptable and even worship him. These wild looking men in rustic clothing with sun burnt faces and smelling of animals and earth are acknowledged by God, at this point, to be the experts for the job at hand. The people in town were not qualified. I marvel at the painstaking and detailed planning that God went to, in order to make sure that there was no mistake as to why Jesus had been sent to earth." -Tim and Bunny Cain

I found this very fascinating. One of the things I love about God is how He uses symbolism to communicate deep truth. It's the poet in Him, I think. But I love catching glimpses of that in His Word, in nature, in His interactions with us.

"Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments and his paths beyond tracing out!" Rom. 11:33

(photo courtesey of bibleplaces.com)

Oh Fudge!

2009-12-15T18:50:00.005-05:00

A time-honored Christmas tradition in our home is The Making of the Fudge.

Fudge can be complicated. Or at least, I have found that to be the case.

Some fudge recipes require you to be a rocket scientist to pull them off successfully (which we all know I. Am. Not!)

Over the years, I have made some memorable batches of fudge. Like the time a friend and I met one afternoon to bake our families a bunch of Christmas sweets, including fudge. Since she had never made it before and supposedly I was the expert, she was ready to learn. I had made a point of buying a brand new candy thermometer from Walmart, just for the occasion.

We followed the recipe to a T, carefully stirring the boiling fudge, watching the temperature rise. We waited and waited. Why was it taking so long? Finally, we decided to pour it out into the pans anyway because surely by now it was ready. About half an hour later, we tried to slice a piece to sample. The fudge had turned hard as a rock! The knife wouldn't even go in! Needless to say, we didn't have fudge that Christmas. Apparently, my brand new candy thermometer had a crack in it. What a disappointment! (Sorry Becky. We're still friends, right?)

But all the trials and tears were worth it when I stumbled on this melt-in-your-mouth and oh-so-easy chocolate dream. Now this is a fudge recipe! (And no candy thermometers to mess with either.)

As my Christmas gift to you, here is my secret (well, not anymore!) never-fail fudge recipe.

The Most Amazing Fudge in the World

1/2 C. butter
1 can sweetened condensed milk
3 T. milk
2 pkgs. semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 pkg milk chocolate chips
1 C. butterscotch chips
1 7-oz. jar of marshmallow cream
1/2 tsp. almond flavoring
1/2 tsp. vanilla (the real deal if you have it)
1 C. chopped walnuts

Line a 13x9 pan with foil and butter it.
In a heavy saucepan, melt 3/4 C. butter over low heat.
Add the can of sweetened condensed milk, 3 T. milk, semi-sweet chocolate chips and milk chocolate chips. Stir constantly till melted and smooth. Remove from heat. Stir in butterscotch chips, marshmallow cream and flavorings, mixing well. Add in chopped walnuts (if you're the nutty type. I am, but my daughter isn't so I may leave them out this year.)
Pour into prepared pan. Refrigerate until set. Keep in fridge until ready to serve.

(The advantage of having the foil-lined pan is that you can lift out the fudge and slice it up nice for serving. Not everyone cares about little details like that so really, it's up to you.)

Well, there you have it. How easy is that? Are you ready to go make yourself some fudge? I know I am!

Enjoy! Let me know how it turns out.

Counting. . .

2009-12-14T19:52:00.011-05:00

The gratitude list continues.

Giving thanks for these gifts

misty, foggy mornings
handwritten letters from a child I've never met
hugs out of the blue -- "just because"
twinkling eyes
silent creativity late at night
the wonder and beauty of a Christmas tree
"death by chocolate" desserts (ooh-la-la!)
that God likes tiny
painful surrenders that end in freedom and peace
peppermint and lavendar (aaahhh)

"By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me -- a prayer to the God of my life." Psalm 42:8

Pondering

2009-12-13T13:42:00.003-05:00

This morning God came near.

Sometimes you hear ancient, well-known truth like it's for the first time.

"...the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." Mark 10:45

"... I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Gal 2:20.

The nature of love, the nature of God is to give.

Jesus gave Himself for me. Jesus gives Himself. He does not take, He gives.
What does that mean?
What does that look like?
Not just on that cross, laying down His life, but now. He gives Himself in intimacy.

I cannot understand this being in relationship with someone who keeps on giving himself -- not sparingly, not hiding, not self-protecting, not withholding love and intimacy when I don't meet expectations. But always giving himself freely to me.

The more I think on this amazing truth, the more I realize how much it is outside my experience. But imagine what it would mean to live daily in the reality of this truth!

Something worth pondering.

Seen

2009-12-06T22:35:00.007-05:00

The week has been hard. We got home and hit the ground running.

Then one after another of us came down with the flu.

Emotions were low, energy was waning and it wasn't long before we had all reached the breaking point.

Today was truly a day of much-needed rest.

Most times I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how to live as a mother on my own, doing the job of two people. It's not supposed to be like this -- yet here I am.

I know many people have done this before successfully. I'm glad for them. But this is my life, my children and my path. And sometimes the future scares me.

In the slow and quiet moments of the day, I lean in to the Everlasting Arms and let go of the burdens one by one. Let my frightened, overwhelmed little heart be held and comforted. Lift my face and look deep into the eyes of Him Who Sees me. Listen to His Spirit whisper truth I need to hear.

"Did you think I would leave you to handle this alone, Little One? I am with you. I am always with you. You go into a future I have made for you. There is nothing to fear."

Peace settles in and trust deepens.

Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. Isaiah 12:2

Gifts of Thanksgiving

2009-12-01T22:07:00.010-05:00

We had a wonderful time with family in Virginia. It was a quiet week with no sightseeing in D.C., as I had planned.
But God's plans always seem to be just what we need.

Seeing His beauty in these gifts. . .

Girl Time

No words are needed

Breaking bread

Cousins

Life and death

Sunrise in Virginia

Sunset in Georgia

The LORD has done great things for us and we are filled with joy.
Psalm 126:3

Unexpected

2009-11-23T14:39:00.004-05:00

We took a roadtrip from Florida to Virginia, stopping in the Carolinas along the way. It is beautiful this time of year, with still plenty of fall color to delight the eyes.

Arriving in Virginia late last night, we were greeted by lots of smiling little faces as cousins reconnected and we all exclaimed how much everyone had grown. My sister and family live close to D.C., so the plan was to do plenty of sightseeing during our holiday week.

But things took an unexpected turn this morning when I fell down the stairs. (Yeah, me, a grown woman, falling down the stairs!!) As I lay moaning and groaning at the bottom in a heap, the first thought running through my head was, "But I wanted to see the White House!" My sister reassured me as she held my swelling ankle that I still would get to see it even if she has to push me around in a wheelchair. We'll be heading out soon to the doctor, but I want to take a moment and give thanks. It could have been a lot worse.

Giving thanks for these gifts:

warm winter coats
helpful little hands waiting on my every need
a sense of humor
crutches
good times with family
laughter and more laughter
medical care readily available
safety and protection on the road
brisk fall weather
being still with God

Not sure what the Lord has in mind for me this week. But I think I'll have more time than usual to listen.

"Be still and know that I am God." (somewhere in the Psalms)

Portion

2009-11-16T20:16:00.005-05:00

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm 73:25,26

Praising Him for these things. . .

roses blooming lavishly outside my door
tickle time and group hugs
watching Atlantis speed across the sky
hearing my daughter pray for the astronauts
quiet whispers from my Beloved throughout the day
unexpected laughter
hot dogs and baby carrots
encouraging news from good friends
the excitement of anticipation
freedom from fear

Free

2009-11-15T21:57:00.003-05:00

My mom called with an update on Ana Maria, the 11-year-old Colombian Cinderella.

There's good news. Ana Maria was able to escape from her cruel step-mother and neglectful father and ran away to one of her schoolteachers. The teacher, fearing kidnapping charges, would not let her stay. However, she took Ana Maria to the Colombian child services agency where she has been placed in temporary foster care and her situation is being reviewed.

Thank you all for praying for this little girl. God is watching over her. My mom asked for continued prayer that the judge would rule to keep Ana Maria away from her abusive family and placed in a loving home.

"I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me. He sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; God sends his love and his faithfulness.
Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth."
Psalm 57:2,3,11

After the Rain

2009-11-10T17:18:00.009-05:00

Stepping out with my camera after the rain. . .

Sometimes words aren't necessary.

Multitude Monday

2009-11-09T14:37:00.004-05:00

God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame
- Elizabeth Barret Browning

Seeing the beauty of God in these gifts:

solitary walks in tree-lined neighborhoods
sandhill cranes stepping with quiet dignity
box turtle meandering across my path
clean laundry piled high
refrigerator stocked with fresh vegetables and fruit
the scent of my girl's freshly washed hair
snuggles, snuggles and more snuggles
smile from a friendly stranger
new rosebud peeking open
comfortable silence

Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits -- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:2-5

Ask

2009-11-04T21:03:00.004-05:00

I've begun writing down desires.

For me, letting myself want something has been a stretch. My habit of years was simply to accept my lot in life and not dream for more.
But our lavish God was not content to let me live in my gray world.

Many times in the gospels, people came to Jesus for help and He would first ask them, "What do you want?" Being God, He already knew. Yet He wanted to hear them say it.

As He began to ask me, "What do you want?" I found it hard to respond. There is something about answering His question that makes you own what your heart truly longs for in vulnerable honesty.

But when I allowed myself to desire and to tell the Lord these secret hopes, He began to give me what I asked. Even more than what I asked. And each time He does that, I am undone. I don't know what to do with this grace. He cares about my heart, and I am trusting deeper.

"The LORD is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion. The LORD protects the simplehearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you." Psalm 116:5-7